Why does she stay, why does he batter?

Why do women stay?

Often, people unfamiliar with the cycle of domestic violence assume that if things really were so bad, the woman would just leave. This is not true. There are many reasons why the woman won't ask for help. She has been isolated by the perpetrator from her family and friends and may be unable to. She may feel she has no place to go. She may be afraid of increased violence or stalking, or even being killed if she does try to leave. She may be concerned that she will not be able to support, feed, clothe, and house her children on her own. She may believe in the sanctity of marriage or still love the man who batters her and won't give up the relationship in the hope that he will change. She may be afraid of her abuser and his family, particularly if he is from a dominant family. She may be afraid no one will believe her. She may be addicted to alcohol or other drugs. All of these are reasons for not leaving. Below is a listing of some of the reasons why women stay:  

She's afraid
That he will hurt or kill her if she tries to leave.
That he will hurt the kids or take them away from her.
That she'll be alone.
That no one will believe her.
Of what the police or OCS or the courts will do to her.
Of what her church or family or community will think.
That he may hurt himself if she leaves.
The kids might blame or hate her for making dad leave.

She's smart
She knows what her real options are.
Friends, family and community will most likely blame her.
She doesn't have the resources to move.
No money, no transportation, no job and no job skills.
His is the dominant family; she won't be able to get help.
It's not safe for her anywhere.
At least at home, she knows what she's up against.
The next time no one may be there to protect her.

"I know that policeman was mad at me for not telling. But he won't be there when my husband gets out of jail. He wasn't there when he put his hands around my neck and said he'd kill me if I told."

She has hope
That her partner will change.
She remembers all the love and good times.
She hopes that they will come back.
That he'll stop drinking.
That it won't get any worse.
That people in the village will stop turning a blind eye.
That someone who loves her will help.

"Women who are battered don't want their marriage to end. They just want the violence to stop."

Why do men batter?

Many theories have been developed to explain why some men use violence against their partners. These theories include: family dysfunction, learned behavior, inadequate communication skills, stress, chemical dependency, financial stress, lack of spirituality and economic hardship. These issues may be associated with battering of women, but they are not the causes. Removing these associated factors will not end men's violence against women.

The batterer begins and continues his behavior because violence is an effective method for gaining and keeping control over another person and he usually does not suffer adverse consequences as a result of his behavior.

"He's so nice in public. Everyone likes him. But as soon as the door closes at home he turns into a monster. No one sees but me."

Historically, violence against women has not been treated as a "real" crime. This is evident in the lack of severe consequences, such as incarceration or economic penalties, for men guilty of battering their partners. Rarely are batterers ostracized in their communities, even if they are known to have physically assaulted their partners. Batterers come from all groups and backgrounds, and from all personality profiles. However, some characteristics fit a general profile of a man who uses violence or the threat of violence to control their wife, children or other family members:

  • A batterer objectifies women. He does not see women as people. He does not respect women as a group. Overall, he sees women as property or sexual objects.
  • A batterer has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He may appear successful, but inside he feels inadequate.
  • A batterer externalizes the causes of his behavior. He blames his violence on circumstances such as stress, his partner's behavior, a "bad day," alcohol or other factors.
  • A batterer may be pleasant and charming between period of violence and extremely apologetic and remorseful after a battering. He may promise it will never happen again, but the overlying power and control he has over the victim remains a present part of the relationship and another episode of violence will eventually erupt again.
  • A batterer often has very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women and believes he is entitled to use whatever it takes to control his partner and children.

"He always tells these awful jokes about women, about our private parts or smelling bad or being dumb. Then he hits me if I don't laugh. I laugh a lot now."